“My father worried about the bottom line. But he worried more about other things like comforting people and helping them face profound loss.”
— David Fisher, funeral director on Six Feet Under
THERE ARE MORE THAN 19,000 funeral homes in the United States, employing some 24,000 morticians. Almost 90 percent of these mortuaries are privately- or family-owned. It’s a highly regulated business. Agencies overseeing operations may include the FTC, OSHA, state licensing boards and the EPA.
In 2019, the average cost of a funeral was $9,135. Plus the cost for a burial plot (at least $2,000), plus cemetery internment (at least $1,000), plus a grave marker (another $1,000), plus, plus, plus…. A funeral with burial, visitation, service, casket and vault currently runs $12,000-$15,000. On the other hand, cremation is under $1,000.
Everybody who dies in Japan gets cremated. Cremation is common in Asia and Europe. In Sweden, it’s 83 percent. In the United States, it’s 55 percent and becoming increasingly popular. In 2011, the Gray Funeral Home, with three locations in South Carolina, installed its own crematory.
Homer Elwood runs the Gray Funeral Home. He has been in the business for 40 years. He’s a likeable fellow with a Southern way of speaking that’s finer than a frog hair split four ways. He started part-time as a teenager, liked the work, got his mortician’s license and has been working at Gray since 1984. He bought the business in January 2022. His wife and son work there, too. I asked this spokesperson for the National Funeral Directors Association about cremation.
Why the uptick in cremation?
“When I started in this business 40 years ago, I didn’t know what cremation was. But now 48 percent of our funerals are cremations. Cremation is less expensive; there are fewer components. Also, we have a very mobile society, and many people move to a retirement home. When they die, instead of having their body shipped back to the place where they grew up, they have their ashes shipped or just scattered somewhere.”
Why do people go into the funeral business?
“Their father owns a funeral home, they like to make people look pretty, they want to be of service, they want to wear a suit. For me, it’s a calling, a ministry, a passion. I’m in it to help families.
“For a lot of funeral directors, it’s a second career. They could have previously been in retail or the public sector; the common thread is that they worked with people. When you work with people, you can have compassion or you can have disdain. The hours are long and the events can be very difficult, so you need to have people around who are supportive, and you need a big heart.
What is the job like?
“People grieve differently. We hurt to lose a spouse, a child, a friend. Sometimes that hurt shows in different ways – anger, laughter as a release, sadness. Most people are relieved to have someone guide them through the death process. Some families need help with veteran’s information, some with victim’s assistance, some with probate, social security, insurance filings or debt consolidation.
“Here in South Carolina, we’re in the Bible Belt. Religion is a big part of our funerals. But some people seek a non-religious ceremony; we call it a “Celebration of Life” where they can get together with friends and remember the individual, show a video, have photographs that tell the story, enjoy a catered event, have a glass of wine, share a tear and a toast.
“Several years ago, I had a funeral for a young man who really enjoyed life. He wanted to have a good time wherever he was, including his funeral. We ended the service with the song ‘What Did the Fox Say?’ The whole place was smiles and laughter – so upbeat. We took the casket out on that song and everybody came out of the building swaying and dancing.”
Lots of emotions. How do you deal with the emotions?
“When I look back on my day-to-day, I have had moments where my emotions were bottled up too long and my wife or my family caught the brunt of that. When you are with a family that has lost a child and they’re asking a lot of questions that you can’t answer, all you can do is hold a hand or give that person a hug.
“Funerals of children are the hardest for me to handle. All the hopes and dreams of the parents … it’s difficult. A few years ago, I had a nine-year-old who went to the hospital to have her tonsils removed and she didn’t wake up. The doctors and the nurses from the hospital showed up at the funeral, and they were hurting, too. Yes, lots of emotions.”
What is the meaning of death?
“I’m a Christian. I believe in a hereafter. In my mind, there’s gotta be something better than what I’m watching on television. I think this body that I’m in is just temporary. I’m here to do what I can for my fellow man. From there, my lord, my savior, will take care of things.”
Next week: The meaning of death according to a rabbi
Thanks, Stephen. Me, too.
Wonderful piece. So uplifting and comforting. Thank you.