EVEN MORE THAN MASTURBATION, self-deprecation and love, Woody Allen is obsessed with the meaning of death. His adages are so amusing and plentiful that I’ve been distributing them in three separate columns. Part I explored the relationship between Love and Death. Part II looked at the advantages and disadvantages of death. Here’s Part III, which is just funny stuff about death:
“I am not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
“I don't believe in the afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”
“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”
“And so I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Actually, make that ‘I run through the valley of the shadow of death’ — in order to get out of the valley of the shadow of death more quickly.”
“In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension and then, when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last nine months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then voila! You finish off as an orgasm!”
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”
“I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. You know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. With the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.”
“I was with Billy Graham once, and he said that, even if it turned out in the end that there is no God and the universe is empty, he would still have had a better life than me. I understand that. If you can delude yourself by believing that there is some kind of Santa Claus out there who is going to bail you out in the end, then it will help you get through. Even if you are proven wrong in the end, you would have had a better life.”
“Not believing in a hereafter, I really can’t see any practical difference if people remember me as a film director or a pedophile or at all. All that I ask is my ashes be scattered close to a pharmacy.”
“Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?”
Next week: The drug DMT
The 'live life backwards' is from Woody's latest autobiography, "Apropos of Nothing." It also includes long, serious bits about his alleged sexual abuse of his daughter Dylan.
Love it! Great humor and I haven’t been laughing lately as the years pile up! Thanks Michael!