Memento mori. (Remember you’re going to die.)
— Latin aphorism
THE FOREMOST TEXT on how to end your life is Final Exit, a grim but essential benchmark book written more than 30 years ago. Author Derek Humphry, who founded the Hemlock Society in 1980, writes with compassion and sensitivity about “self-deliverance” – deadly drugs, inert gasses, life insurance, hospice, the gruesome but effective plastic bag over the head, etc. There’s a 25-point checklist of what to consider, how to prepare.
In addition to the difficult chapters on how to end your life, Final Exit has sample forms for a Living Will and a Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare with suggestions and questions to ask yourself. These are essential documents to prepare now, even if you’re not old, even if you’re not ill, because you never know what’s around the corner. As actress Anne Hathaway said, “I could get hit by a car later today. We don’t know anything.”
Most of these end-of-life forms are easily available on the internet from the American Association of Retired Persons, , e-forms, Nolo Press and other reputable sources. Thank god for Google. And there are plenty of sites and books to help you prepare the forms. I mention one here by Sallie Tisdale that’s not worth reading but has a useful appendix and an outrageously memorable title: Advice for Future Corpses.
Even if you don’t have any money or assets to leave behind or think you might live forever, you should prepare a folder with the following documents and tell at least a couple of loved ones where to find the folder if you should become incapacitated. I provide links to internet forms and resources below but, as I say, this stuff is available in abundance on the worldwide web.
This is a harrowing, gruesome task but, if you haven’t done it yet, do it now. Not for your own sake because, let’s face it, you’ll be dead. But for your family. Let them miss you, not resent you.
For several thousand dollars, a lawyer or notary can prepare all these documents for you. If you’re not leaving behind serious assets, you probably don’t need a living trust. For less than a hundred dollars, you can create the rest of these documents yourself. It is time-consuming and emotionally-laden, but it’s not very complicated. I did it all on my own (and a few other end-of-life documents as well). In creating a living trust, however, I suggest that, if you have the money, get the professional help.
Will
Detailed or curt, it should include how your money will be distributed and specific beneficiaries, bequests and donations. It must be signed and witnessed and dated. It should name an executor and a backup and a backup to the backup. For about $200, Nolo’s Willmaker is one of the best.
Living Trust
This detailed document can include the will and a bunch of other documents, like insurance policies and tax records. If you own real estate and other valuable stuff, this is the route to take; title is transferred from your name to the trust, thus facilitating and reducing/eliminating the cost of most transfer and probate problems. You don’t need to be dead for your executor or “successor trustee” to take over your affairs, just incapacitated.
Ethical Will
This can include letters to the survivors and instructions for final arrangements. For example, my ethical will includes specific gifts to specific friends, cremation instructions and my epitaph (“Good Enough”).
Financial Power of Attorney
This form gives an agent the authority to handle financial transactions on your behalf.
Power of Attorney for Healthcare
This document usually includes an Advance Healthcare Directive (also called a “living will”) authorizing an agent you designate to hire and fire medical personnel, sign medical documents, authorize admission to facilities, decide when/if/how to prolong your life, donate your organs, etc.
Do Not Resuscitate Order
This short document can be part of a bigger package, but a DNR is best as a stand-alone document, clearly visible to a doctor or ambulance driver (when my mother was in critical care, her DNR was taped over her bed). It rejects the use of cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR).
Dementia Directive
Almost half of older adults die with some form of dementia. This free interactive form allows you to consider and document the care you want — or do not want — should you get dementia, and then to produce an addendum to your existing advance directive.
Obituary
Online, professional writers and services can be hired for obituaries. Often a mortuary will provide the service. But writing it now yourself will make sure you get all the facts right. Your voice, your story. It will help your loved ones. They won’t have to try to remember the facts of the case. They can just send a photo you like and the obituary that you have written to the local newspaper and be done with it.
Preparing these documents is a total drag. It’s one of the most unpleasant tasks you’ll ever do. But it’s necessary for you and those you leave behind.
Next week: The lighter side of death according to Woody Allen (Part III)
I’m looking forward to next week’s topic. Hopefully something a bit lighter. But good advice for those we leave behind!